Ajabu Africa News

PHOTO:

Pastor Chege (top left), Wa Kevo (bottom left) and Martin Alwala share their journey after the death of their wives.photo by standard digital

By:

Nashipae Kantai

Posted:

Dec,05-2016 15:36:59

No man wants to imagine that he will have to live out the rest of his days without his wife, the love of his life and the mother of his children. But sometimes fate takes an unforseen turn, disrupting the lives of families by taking away the person who had cared for them and nurtured them like only a mother could. Four fathers who suddenly had to come to terms with the fact that they would forever be both mum and dad to their children, speak out about their journey. It was either sink or swim for them but they have kept their heads above water and lived to tell the tale.

John Kibaru

One Sunday morning in 2013, John suddenly lost his wife.She fell ill as they were preparing to go to church. He rushed her to hospital and when the doctor came out to tell him that she hadn't made it, he wasn't shocked. "I don't know where I got my boldness from," he says.

It didn't quite hit him that she was gone until he was told that he had to transfer her body to the mortuary. He called his pastor to pass on the sad news and his pastor, with some of his church friends, immediately came to support him.The children had left for church earlier than their parents and did not know that their mother was no more. Breaking the news to them was difficult. "I called them to see if they had reached church, but they were still on their way. I asked them to get off the matatu so I could pick them up," John says.

The drive back home was a long one, no one said anything.It was as if they sensed something was wrong. All they knew was that their mother was not feeling well in the morning.

He remembers trying to gather his wits. "That is the worst state I have ever seen my children in. I couldn't control them," he says. But he found the strength to comfort them, assuring them that things would be okay. John decided to bury his wife before the upcoming Christmas holiday.

He tried not to cause uncertainty in the future to his children and became strong for them. He wanted them to see hope in him but above all, he didn't want his family to disintegrate. He hoped that the tragedy would bring them closer together.

The family did not set foot in their home until after the burial. They had not been in the house since the day he rushed his late wife to hospital. "Everything was as we left it. The tea cups we had used for breakfast were still on the table." It finally sunk in that he would live the rest of his life without a wife. The heavy pain of loss sat heavy in his heart. "The only thing I could do was to get on my knees and pray," he says. For almost a year after that he just wanted to be alone but he had to be strong for his son who was in Standard Seven and his daughter who was in college.

He rearranged his life to manage the double role of father and mother and made sure to be home early in order to cook supper for his children.He would also wake up early to prepare breakfast. "I didn't expect my son or daughter to come from a long day at school only to find chores waiting for them, so I asked God to enable me to do everything their mother used to do for them."

John tried his best to make up for the loss by scheduling family outings letting them know that they could come to their father for whatever they needed.

But when his son left for high school and his daughter decided to live with her aunty, he found himself alone again. "I decided to accept the harsh reality that I was on my own," he says. John has no plans to remarry because he does not want to expose his children to a step--mother who might shake foundation of his family.

Martin Alwala

Martin's wife succumbed to breast cancer just three weeks after being diagnosed. When he went to the hospital on the day she died, he could see that she was not okay but she brushed it off putting the blame on the drugs. She was so strong right up to the very end and one wouldn't have known that she was sick. "It was such a blow to hear that she was gone. It is a feeling you can't express," Martin recalls. It all happened so fast. "In marriage, Issues are there but wait until that person goes...that is when you realise there were no issues. If you can love them now, please do," he says.

Fortunately, he received generous support from his church. "I remember everyone, including the senior pastor, came to my house," he says.They kept him in their prayers and that is what really helped him. The church also helped Martin with his two sons, by guiding them in the understanding that their mum was gone for good.

As the days went by, he could see that his boys missed their mother deeply. His 8 year old son would sometimes ask "are you sure mum is in heaven?" His older son, it seemed, took it much harder. "He was suspended from school because of rowdy behaviour and as much as the school knew about his situation, they just could not handle him so I took him to a boarding school. After that, he decided to live with his aunties instead of coming home."

Martin understood that none of them had been prepared for his wife's death and everyone was affected differently. He tried to get his son to see sense but nothing worked. Then on a Sunday morning as he was preparing to go to church, he was informed by his cousin that his son had come back home. "I went to check his bedroom and I found my son sleeping," Martin says.

Unfortunately for Martin, he was not only burdened with the loss of his wife but also with unsupportive relatives from his late wife's family. Nothing could have prepared him for what his in--laws put him through. "They came up with all sorts of reasons why they should take the children from me," he says. Martin is also convinced that his older son's rebellious actions were a result of what he was fed by his relatives. Martin is taking legal action to ensure full custody of his children.

Having lost his wife to breast cancer in the "the prime of their marriage" Martin now plans to raise awareness about the disease. "I had friends that supported me through this journey. I called them at any time," Martin says. His friends gave him sound advice that helped him with the issues that faced him on a daily basis, key among them being his rocky relationship with his son.

Lasitei 'Wa Kevo' Mahinda

His widower--hood came with the loss of his family too; his children were relocated to their grandmother's place immediately is wife died. "I wanted to stay with them but I did not want to argue with my relatives," he says.

His wife passed on five years ago after a short illness.They were both casual laborers and supported each other with whatever money they got. Life seemed hard at that time because they were bringing up three children up with no stable source of income but it was only when his partner passed on is when he realised that life was much simpler when she was alive. His in--laws were quick to adopt his three children, suggesting that life would be much easier upcountry where food was more available.

Wa Kevo had no time to mourn because life had to continue. He went on with work with a heavy heart, missing his wife and dreading going home to an empty house. "I was in shock for a long time, I didn't know exactly what to feel," he recalls. Death was so final and he had no option but to accept the situation as it was.

The greatest challenge was being alone at the time. "I live far from home but somehow I had to continue surviving." How he coped is still a mystery to him.

Living from hand to mouth, he couldn't afford to educate his children further than Standard Eight. He only visits his children when he had something to give them. Wa Kevo has not remarried.

Waithaka Chege

I caught up with Reverend Chege as he was taking his six--month--old daughter to hospital. She had a high fever. I waited to speak to him and by the time we me, he had composed himself and was ready for my questions. His wife passed on from a brain infarction, which started off as mild headache, but over a short period claimed her life. Having being married for close to three years, Chege felt that he had lost his wife right at the beginning of their lives together. The news was unbelievable for a while. He couldn't understand how a mild headache had resulted to death. "I couldn't imagine how I would go on living without her and I was really scared for our daughter who was just six months at that time," he says. His daughter was still breastfeeding and was so close to her mother.

Being a pastor, his congregation, his fellow pastors, friends and family all supported him. He considered himself lucky to have a stable family who still show him a lot of support. Judy, his late wife, grew up as an orphan in children's home and the person closest to her was her auntie who played the role of her mother. She was also very close to her brothers.

Much as they miss, Chege says no one can miss her as much as he does. "Judy was my wife and as much as everybody has shown their support, no one is feeling what I feel." He has dealt with it by reading a lot of literature by people who have gone through a similar experience. He has also seen a therapist. Despite having little time to schedule counseling sessions, his therapist has been faithful enough to call Chege occasionally to check up on him. Chege also sets aside time to think about his wife and mourn her by going through pictures, videos and replaying the good memories. "Work might make you think that the sadness is not there but once I'm free of my duties, I create time to feel the pain." He was advised to do this and even though it is helpful, it has been overwhelming.

"My status as a pastor however curtails mourning. When I mention my wife in public people get uncomfortable and it becomes very unnatural. Also people forget easily and do not see me as a mourning widower but as their pastor," he says.

Chege says that he does not worry about the wellbeing of his daughter especially when she is with his mother who has a PhD in Early Childhood Development.The child lives with her grandmother and Chege says that his mother never makes any decisions concerning his daughter without consulting him. Sometimes sleeps over at his parent's house so that he doesn't lose touch with his daughter. "I confess that I am now more involved in her life and I'm conscious about being her only parent."

What he dreads is breaking the news that her mother is dead when she grows up. He is also afraid of the stigma that may surround her as a child without a mother. "I hope that I will be able to prepare my daughter enough for a life without her mother and be able to overcome those challenges."

Source:

Standard Digital