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By:
JOACHIM OSUR | |||||||||
| Posted:
Dec,25-2016 16:54:16
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What do you do when your spouse goes quiet on you? You call and the phone is not answered. You send messages and they are ignored. When you meet at home your presence is not acknowledged and he refuses to respond when you speak to him.
That was the challenge Zippy was facing when she came to the sexology clinic. She had been married for nine years and had three children aged seven, five and two. Jim, her husband, had formed a habit of going silent on her almost every two weeks and every time the silent spell would last for days.
"The unfortunate thing is that he often forces me into sex during such times," Zippy lamented, tears welling up her eyes.
The silent treatment is one of the commonest ways in which spouses punish each other. Just like men, women similarly go quiet on their husbands. The intention is to hurt or manipulate your partner or to have your way without much argument or explanation. The silent treatment is a recognised form of emotional abuse.
Incidentally the silent treatment achieves exactly what it is meant to achieve because most people on the receiving end do not know how to handle it. It hurts your spouse. It makes them feel worthless, rejected and dejected. They boil in anger and frustration. Some lack sleep and become anxious.
GET A MASSAGE
Unfortunately for you the overall impact is that silent treatment kills intimacy. Further, the trust that you may have cultivated over the years is eroded. Friendship also dies off. You grow from soul mates to housemates. Sexual desire and function gets affected and most men have been found to develop erectile dysfunction as a consequence. Affected women may fail to get aroused and may have difficulties reaching orgasm.
"That's very true doctor, in fact I no longer feel like having sex with him and that is why he rapes me," Zippy interrupted, "but what on earth makes one behave in this weird way?"
Well, the silent treatment is learnt in childhood. Children learn at an early age that they can manipulate their parents by sulking and some even go into fits of rage to strengthen their case. Some carry this behaviour into adulthood and marriage, and use it to manipulate their spouses, the same way they tried to manipulate their parents.
Whatever the case, if you are on the receiving end, you need to learn how to deal with the silent treatment. For one, do not fall into the trap of the manipulator. Make your spouse know that you have noticed that he is giving you the cold shoulder and you understand that sometimes people need their space. Let him know that you will not insist on talking to him but you are available to discuss whatever is hurting him.
Avoid threats and foul language. One person has to be the sane one in these situations. If you are both sulking, it won't bode well for your relationship, so you have to take leadership and show courtesy and respect.
One trap most people fall into is to try to make the sulking spouse talk. They try to be nice, to apologise for unknown wrongs, to cry, to come home early or even to join in the sulking. It's not worth the trouble. This does not mean that you do not correct your mistakes and apologise for the part you played in the disagreement, please do, but do not force or manipulate your spouse into talking if they have chosen the silent path.
Also important is that silent treatment gives you an opportunity to pay attention to something more exciting things that you have been lacking time for. Give a break to your sulking spouse and visit a friend or a relative. Go to the gym or the spa and treat yourself. There is always a positive side to these hard times.
I noticed that Zippy was lost in her thoughts, so I looked at her inquisitively.
"What about forcing me to have sex with him?" she asked, her voice tembling in anger.
Let your spouse know that you will not appreciate sex when the relationship is facing challenges. Psychological preparation is key to satisfactory sex and without it couples should abstain. Agree with your spouse that you may need to change bedrooms or seek refuge in a friend's house until the conflict is resolved.
"I' m off to the massage parlour, after which I will visit my mum for a few days. When Jim feels like talking, I will go back home," Zippy said as she stood to leave.
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