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By:
NJOKI CHEGE | |||||||||
| Posted:
Jun,04-2016 14:16:25
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Modern dating. Boy no longer meets girl in class, at church or in the estate. They meet online; on social media and dating sites. After befriending each other, one of them, most likely the boy, will 'hit the inbox' or 'slide' into the DMs (Direct Messages) and the rest, as they say, is history.
What follows is a flurry of text messages or 'sexts'- you know, the provocative sexual messages, a ton of selfies and lo and behold! Boy and girl are in a relationship.
According to a recent study by market research company, Consumer Insight, more and more Kenyan youth are meeting their boyfriends and girlfriends online.
Out of the 1,300 youth interviewed, a whopping 88 per cent of the women said they had met someone online, while 73 per cent of the young men said they had met someone they liked online.
Did these romantic relationships blossom? Yes - 57 per cent out of the 88 per cent of men say their online-forged relationships flourished, while 47 per cent out of the 73 percent women say their relationships moved beyond chatting to each other online. Ruth Ruigu, Senior Research Manager at Consumer Insight, attributes this to the fact that the internet is really a bottomless pit should you settle on that channel to search for 'the one', as opposed to relying on the traditional channels of socialising.
"Simply put, there is higher success online because there are many people to interact with," says Ruth.
To also bear in mind is the fact that nowadays, young people spend most of their time online, so it makes sense that they would form their relationships online.
According to the report, contrary to popular belief, Kenyan youth really do value marriage and relationships. Most get married between 24-26 years, and prefer a religious wedding ceremony -- yes, Kenyan youth might come across as brash and reckless, but deep down, most of them want to settle down, have two children and live in a nice house with a white picket fence.
That said, since this group is online most of the time, it is usually easy to know when they are in relationships and who they are dating. For today's youth, an Instagram account is not complete without photos of a significant other, and will regularly tweet each other, using terms such as bae, and comment on their numerous Facebook photos in an effort to mark their territory.
When the boys are not claiming their girlfriends online through the popular trend, 'Woman Crush Wednesdays', the girls are blogging about their engagement and posting photos of bejewelled ring fingers captioned, "I said Yes."
But young people are not just hooking up on Facebook, more and more are turning to dating sites. The survey by Consumer Insight found that 11 per cent of young men and seven per cent of young women have used an online dating site. Popular dating sites among the youth in Kenya include Badoo, Mpenzi and Kenya Online Dating.
Though the research did not delve into the dangers that sometimes accompany relationships formed online, though the idea of meeting someone online and perhaps falling in love and getting married sounds romantic, many of these relationships do not end up well, especially if you conducted the relationship under the full glare of social media.
The fact is that relationships end and people move on. In between the melee and the heartbreak, the single most important thing you need to remember is that you need to come out in one piece. Not exactly smelling like roses, but you need to get out of that relationship (if it ends) with your dignity intact and your reputation untarnished.
Why reputation? Your reputation is all you have, so you have to guard it with your life. More so, in this age of the Internet. And the Internet never forgets. So, how do you manoeuvre an online relationship? THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS First things first. Whether you forge your relationship on an online dating site or meet someone special on social media, never reveal your sensitive personal information. While online dating services collect your data through forms, quizzes and questionnaires, social media collects your personal information through the pictures you post, information you volunteer and the sites you check in, for the perennial check-inners. Your online profile and your digital footprint are the key tenets of your online reputation, therefore, you must be very careful about what you post online. Philip Ogola, a digital strategist and social media consultant, advises you to take your time before you post anything about your personal life online. "The Internet never forgets. It always keeps a log of your actions, actions that will come back to haunt you. It is therefore important that you keep your private details private," he says. By the way, did you know that data posted on the internet is regarded permanent after 20 minutes, even if you delete the file? Also, whatever information you post on a dating site, or on social media, is usually retained even if you cancel your account, fall in love, get married and move to the moon. Be careful about personal photos too. If you must post your pictures, restrain yourself from going overboard; keep the tiny bikini pictures to yourself. It is also advisable that you have only a few pictures of yourself online; you do know that some people use other people's photographs for the wrong purposes, don't you? BEWARE OF THE PITFALLS "Online dating creates a shopping mentality, and that is probably not a particularly good way to go about choosing a mate," says Harry Reis, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester Medical Center, New York, in an article in Psychology Today. The shopping mentality refers to a situation where you are presented with an array of so many options, such that you have no idea where to start and whom to choose, making you to make the wrong dating decisions. Bear this in mind therefore, as you scroll through those numerous websites. Once you settle on someone and form a rapport with that person, avoid giving minute-by-minute accounts of how the relationship is progressing. And by all means, control your emotions. "Do not discuss your relationship on social media, no matter how angry or depressed you are, because people read a lot into your Facebook status and Tweets and make conclusions, which they can use against you," says Ogola. There are also some Facebook groups that purport to help people with their relationship problems, only for you to end up posting your personal relationship problems for all to make fun of. "Our Facebook friends and Twitter followers give us a false sense of comfort. That block thinking that everyone is on your side is not true," says Ogola. The bottom line is, you need to check, cross check and verify the people you meet online before you commit to a relationship. We have heard cases of women getting into relationships with men who secretly photograph and film them, only to use the pictures and videos to blackmail them. We have also had cases of jilted exes posting nudes of their previous partners online, in blogs and social media. Pray, how do you recover from this? Before you commit to someone you mostly interact with online, someone you have never, or rarely see, consider the pitfalls. If anything, in most cases, online dating tends to focus more on the physical attributes than the personality, and more often than not, one ends up getting disappointed. DEATH BY SCREENSHOTS. "I found that those who met their partners via online dating sites became romantically involved significantly sooner (an average of two-and-a-half months) than those who met in other ways (an average of one-and-a-half years).This suggests that online dating sites don't facilitate slowly finding love the way that we often do offline," says Gwendolyn Seidman on Psychology Today. Seidman is an associate professor of psychology at Albright College, and studies relationships and cyberpsychology. She has a point.The thing with online dating is that there is so much pressure for the relationship to succeed, that sometimes we get involved with the wrong people. This is fueled by the fact that online dating is accelerated by profile photos and an online persona that is often the opposite of who we truly are. A man sees a beautiful girl with a smoking hot profile photo and immediately wants to meet her and have something romantic with her, without necessarily wanting to know who she is beyond the beautiful picture. There are a few fundamental questions you need to ask yourself as you take the plunge into the online dating pool. Who are you texting? Whose DMs are you replying to and who is that are you talking to about your personal life on Facebook messenger? Screenshots are usually proof of a conversation and can be used to embarrass you. Women screenshot your messages to their girlfriends and men screenshot your messages to their boys, just to have a good time. If you question the motives of someone you have met online, keep your conversations general, and remember, when in doubt, listen to your instincts and pull away.
So much depends on your reputation; guard it with your life. You stand the risk of damaging your reputation for good by what you post online. The information you shared online with that significant other, the nudes you sent them and all other sexually explicit stuff you shared will always come back to haunt you. And that's the good news. The bad news is that most of the time, a damaged reputation is like a shadow, you have to learn to live with it. For the rest of your life.There are many documented cases where online reputations have cost people their jobs and even spouses. Think hard therefore, before you send those nudes or agree to film yourself performing sexual acts. HOW TO MANAGE AN ONLINE RELATIONSHIP Be careful what you share with the stranger online. Have rigid, general and subtle responses and Facebook posts/tweets.
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